For people who don't know, I don't own a phone. I'm 14 (almost 15), employed, and I DON'T HAVE A PHONE. It's dumb, and I rant about this all the time honestly - I can't contact my friends, can't play games . . . and I don't have enough privacy to call 988 or the Trevor Project. I need to, desperately. Whenever I've spoken to people irl (in the past, not in HS as of now), most have either ignored me, diminished the problem with their own issues, or convinced me that I'm being a drama queen or just doing it for attention. I know it seems like it, and I know that my content is attention-seeking and ragebaiting and I only do it to spark controversy. I mean, WHY ELSE WOULD I EXPRESS MYSELF?? And I know it's dumb, but if I'm trusting you with the most important secret in my LIFE, you might as well take me seriously.

One story comes to mind: in 8th grade, a guy I'll call E started talking to me about how he was bullied because of his shoes. First of all, he was RICH AS FUCK, and he had crazy expensive shoes. He asked me if the same thing had happened to me, to which I said no - because I thought he was talking about shoes. He then rolled his eyes, saying 'Of course you haven't'. 'Do you mean bullied about shoes or bullied in general?' 'Bullied in general, dumbass.'

He had called me 'tranny' and 'faggot' in the past without even knowing I was queer, slapped my ass, stolen my sketchbook and held it over my head, showed my sketchbook to his douche friends and laughed about the 'gaybos' in it, and had several times had told me to kill myself. AS A JOKE. Suffice to say, E was horrible, and I was incredulous that he had the cajones to ask ME if I had been bullied. ME, from HIM. This was in my theatre class, btw.

To end this off, I need help and have no outlet. I'm terrified that someone's gonna say everything that's ever happened to me is a series of lies, or that I'm being melodramatic, or someone's gonna get triggered (real or not) by my art or writing. That someone's gonna kill themselves because of me. That I've hurt someone, so many people, even hurt my FAMILY because I can't control my own fucking emotions for long enough to stay sane.

I cut myself for the first time ever last night, and I'm so scared and I don't know what to do. What if my parents find out? What if my THERAPIST finds out? I feel gross, I feel unsanitary, I feel stupid, I feel ugly, and I feel unfathomably guilty. I'm so sorry for this, man. Dig into me all you like. I know this is horrible and triggering and I'm an idiot. Please just convince me further that I'm wrong.