So, I've been reading old stuff from a year ago, and NO 'IT' was not trivial and I know that, NO 'I' wasn't just some mindless insensitive idiot. I used to be that way because I was influenced by bad adults and figures and things actually happening in my life during that period of time, it was insanely bad. If escalated, YOU already made me try to nd my life, I know all about not being in the right mindset but to ME I feel you didn't even care about me when I was declining, I was inspired by you and I tried to 'copy' you in a sense, that's funny. For years, YEARS, even since I was in elementary school, I've tried to 'be' the ones who influenced me, tried to copy and be like them because I followed their footsteps, SEVERAL people, including two or three unfortunate individuals, including you. Cleared up, that time period back to that, I was embarrassed of my skin and face. I was ashamed of not looking like those that influenced me in person at that moment. I felt hideous, not being 'perfect' in *their* standards. I'm not even really white. I clear, I am not just German, the German side comes from my MOTHER. my other race comes from my father, which I don't know too much about because he left our family first while I was very young before my mother left during my second to last year of elementary. I was not some mindless 'white' idiot, I was hiding behind a mask of my insecurities and fears, concentrated by those around me during then. Thinking back to you, I don't feel you cared as much or delved too deep into my sensitive mind back then, you even admitted 'you liked my attention I gave to you', which is a sick response as to continue the deterioration of my mind then. You were so inspirational, so cool to me, that care and lovely obsession and admiration, adoring you had faded immensely, you're dull to me. Nothing but a reminder in which I turmoil, a guilty memory that was glad you're gone, despite how much you changed me, how hard things were without you. I've learned to accept myself without you, I've grown so much. No thanks to you, though It's sad to me, It seems like a sick episode in a dream, a dark period, cleared by realization. I know its not good that I should almost hate you and flip my emotions, but I can't help my feelings. Once YOU and they left, I've been shameful, but healed from the horrible mess and damage made. Withdrawal was hard, from many things. Surges of it coming back remain, I hope for it to fade.The dreams I'd have of you, hallucinations and vivid sights of your kindness I'd known before, turning faded into a decayed love and care. It's sick, I'd attach to sick obsessions and admiration for so many people, just for all of them to be horrible bad people and leave me, you're not as bad, but to my mind, you are so horrible. I don't really know you, but it's crazy how sick it's grown, how absurd. You may never see this, call me wrong because I am speaking truth from my mind, I'm sickly and shamefully glad you are gone.