im actually getting sick of ppl yelling at me (specifically my mom-) honestly when i even attempt at explaining something or myself she A. doesn't want to hear it, B. yells at me more or C. makes me wanna throw up or do smth else

and why is it only me? i dont mean to do the things i "Do" i literally cant control it for two reasons, one is that i dont even realize im doing smth wrong or im not thinking straight bc yeah that stuff happens often.

im not sure if im paranoid or smth but theres this one image in my head and its like its taunting me i dont even know how to explain it bc i myself dont even know what it is but im scared- its not smth scary i know that but its what it does that makes me paranoid and stuff- it moves in a way that makes me uncomfortable and cringe up and its in my head if i try to think of smth else i cant it just STAYS LEAVE PLEASE THIS STUPID THING-.. i dont know whats wrong with me but i dont mean to do the things i do,say, or act like its just who i am and if my parents can accept that then so be it-

im literally gonna start to cry bc the stupid thing it taunting me and it is like a square white box and has random things like red and orange and blue and cyan and purple and pink and litaraly all the color squiggles and lines in it and i wanna cry its all my imagination but its feeling like i just wanna die bcause of it if that makes any sence-
and ive been clean so so long its been like four months on the first this month and i cant do it- i dont know wwhats happening to me at this point- i dont like it i hate it this shit is pissing me off
im not gonna re read this to make it sound right or smth- if you cant figure it out try ,
please-

im sorry (ill see yall tomorrow if u go to my school-)